Wednesday, 5 March 2014

The Spinning in My Head

My hands shake as I type and I feel like a weight is bearing down on my shoulders; there's a little goblin sitting on my back, pulling strings. He's controlling, manipulating, bullying. I'm strong and determined and try to shake him off, but he leers over me with an evil grin and a sinister cackle emitting from his dripping mouth. And then I remember I'm sensitive and the strength I felt dissipates leaving me bowing under the pressure of the strings.

I don't ask for a simple life anymore, or a life of true contentment; I've learnt it doesn't exist. I'm the mother of a teenager with issues and the daughter of a woman who can't cope with any issues. I'm sad and fearful and down on my luck. I'm the wife of a man who puts principles first and can't say no to anyone except me; I'm the sister of a beautiful woman who needs me but doesn't know how much I need her also.

It's warm in my cave, and comforting. I can huddle into the corner and sit in the darkness and talk to my dad. He listens to me, always. He visited me last night; he stood near the curtains and tapped to tell me he was there. The night before he switched the telephone back on after I'd turned it off at the wall socket. He watches me cry and reaches out and lights up my cave with hope.

I know I'm a loner, always have been, probably always will be. If the little goblin left me, I'd be completely alone. Maybe his company is better than none.

12 comments:

  1. Love to you K. I'm sorry you're having such a hard time at the moment, and you know I empathise on the daughter stuff (and the family stuff too). And yes, I chat to my dad, too - right now I've been feeling him around me a lot. Sending a cuddle. xxx

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  2. I'm sorry you are feeling this way - I know that we all do at some point and any issue is turned into a major issue. Be known that you are cared for not only by your dad who visits but by the people who visit here too

    Take care

    BNM

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  3. Life is tough sometimes, and all you can do is live through it and try to do your best. However, I think sometimes we are allowed to do a little bit less than our best and keep something back for ourselves, and try not to feel guilty about it.

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  4. You'r ereally struggling. Poor you. It's the end of a long dark season and difficult to carry all these things alone and going into the hardtime of lambing too. Difficult. I don't have words for you except hugs (my dad visited me once too). x

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  5. I feel for you hun, there are lots of us out here who do. It is a long way to yours from here in the south but healing vibes are on their way. Will keep you in my thoughts and keep sending them, and I know Claire will too.

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  6. So sorry you are feeling rough. Take one day at a time to cope with what you must and give yourself space to recharge your energy. Hope things get better soon. Hugs x

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  7. I'm sorry you're having a rough time. This is one of those moments, of course, where I wish I didn't live so far away, because I would be hugging you right now...

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  8. I was mesmerised by your lovely writing but obviously it made me sad to read how difficult things are for you right now.
    I do relate to it though and have some of those traits myself.
    Hugs....Maggie x

    Nuts in May

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  9. Oh, my friend. I can so relate to this post, in lots of respects. Sometimes we just have to retreat from the world, all the people who cause us pain (and even ourselves) and take time out; reflect, gather strength and get to the bottom of whatever path we're being forced along until the way ahead is clear again.

    Every experience is a lesson. It's sometimes very hard to see what or why or any reason. But for every knock back you will come back up and fight! And you will, when you're ready. I wish I lived closer too.

    And whatever you think right now, be assured you're not alone. Strength and a big virtual hug to you
    D xx

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  10. You need some sun on your face.....praying it comes out soon for you!!
    (((((Hugs)))))

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  11. Sending hugs and warmth to comfort you. Take care of yourself.

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  12. oh sweetheart *big hugs* for you. Maybe you need to talk to some of the people in your life and let them know how you're feeling?

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