The Jekyll and Hyde of the teenager has reduced me to tears. I never cry in front of Amy because I want her to look at me as a strong person, someone who can handle the shit life throws at us. I waited until she'd gone to school and then broke down. On my own. I can't bring myself to cry even in front of my husband. It's just the way I am and I doubt I'll ever change. I don't want to change. Amy has an aggressive streak, mostly of a verbal nature. This morning I thought it had become physical. She towers over me now and she knows she can be intimidating. However much I remain strong, my weakness overwhelms me as I look up at her and love her with such intensity. I could never see bad.
Someone said to me once, 'God would not have given you an autistic child if he didn't think you could cope.' Utter crap. Absolute utter crap. If God gave me an autistic child then he also took away my beloved dad. Why did he do that? Why do people believe, when life gets tough, that God is behind it? I cope as best I can. I love Amy because she's Amy, not because she's autistic. I've never been maternal but I do my best for this child because she's mine. She was not 'given' to me because I was able to cope. I am angry just typing that. I often cry about why my dad was taken from us so young, why he was never given a chance to watch this child grow, to love his family as they made new lives. How dare someone tell me that God would not have 'given' me Amy if he didn't think I could cope. Who am I, The Virgin Mary? I bore Amy. I conceived her. She is my life. And this morning she went to school with my parting words ringing in her ears, 'Amy, I love you.'
People try to "sell" God in so many different ways that it is easy to take offence. So many people also have a lot to say about autism as well that I can hardly imagine what it must be like to face the two of them together. A really strong post and I hope you are feeling a bit better for it.
ReplyDeleteI find the idea that God creates autistic children to give them to people who can cope completely mind-bending. What a peculiar idea! And, as you say, if you accept that then you have to accept that he does unspeakably cruel things like taking a father away from his children before his time.
ReplyDeleteMaybe these platitudes are invented in order for the people saying them to absolve themselves of any responsibility. Obviously if God 'gave' you Amy, you don't need any help from anyone else.
I am sending you virtual hugs. Love to you both, Jenny
xx
Teenage years are trying for any child and their parents coming to terms with all the bodily changes and the mixed emotionalfeeling and trying to sort it out. For an autistic child struggling to come to terms with a bewildering, frightening world from the word go it must be 100 times worse. 12 or so years struggling to make sense of the world and then to be inundated with all these physical and emotional changes, small wonder they cannot cope and suddenly lash out.
ReplyDeleteI attended a training talk which was taken by a lady of abour 30 odd with Aspergers Syndrome who when not doing the talk (she was helped by a carer using red,amber and green signs to help her)sat in a oorner rocking and flapping. The first thing she said in her talk was that people with Autism are frightened ALL the time every minute of every day. This has stuck with me and I try to remember it when I am dealing with our Autistic student at work when they are having a melt down, and yes I have been caught in the physical back lash but I understand that it is not really meant for me, it is meant for everything they are frightened of and cannot cope with.
Sometimes we need to cry it is also an emotional outlet and far better than hitting out ourselves. You are a strong person but even a strong person need an emotional outlet. Keep up the good work.:)
Teen years sound very hard as they are (I was really awful!), and if you add autism to the mix I think you have a bigger challenge. I hope it's only a temporary challenge. You are a brilliant mum!!
ReplyDeleteI get my strength from C.
ReplyDeleteI try and remember how ever hard it is for us it is even harder for them.
Our children like us are doing the best they can.
Which is not a weakness.
xx
I think people use God and religion to explain things they otherwise have no explanation for. It's used as a comfort or something to cling on to in adversity. Often science will disprove many of the things that were once attributed to God, but still people see it as God's will or doing.
ReplyDeleteI hate that phrase about God too, it's like a get out for others not offering help, support, or sympathy. My girls sailed through their teenage years, but I'm dreading how the hormones will affect my son. Thinking of you xx
ReplyDeleteLife is a series of trials from which we learn. Whatever life throws at us we cope - because we have to. Your love for Amy will get you through whatever happens. xx
ReplyDeletePS Just finished Nightingale Woods, thoroughly enjoyed it. I've left a review on Amazon. x
DeleteI'm sure the person didn't mean to offend you. I guess she meant it as a compliment because she saw the love and strength which you have for Amy. It back-fired because you're worried for the future; yours and Amy's. I don't pretend to understand but truly hope that in the years to come, you'll cope and be happy. They say love conquers all. XX
ReplyDelete1. God can just go and do one, and so can anyone who uses GOD as a reason, explanation or coping strategy for anyone who is suffering.
ReplyDelete2. There is no such thing as a 'normal' child.
Grrrrrrrrrrr. I'll come back when I'm more coherent.
Oh, I do have big issues with God. I could never in a million years justify child's suffering. And as a mother of a child with autism, I certainly do not look at it as a gift, as my child is struggling with the world around him every day.Yes, we are coping, what else are we supposed to do but cope. My biggest fear and anxiety is what will happen to my child, once we are not capable to look after him, once we are old/frail and die. Who will love him, with all his difficulties and problems? Who will give him a hug and just hold him tight to calm him down?
ReplyDeleteI have never blamed God for Any of the trials in my life...ever. And your
ReplyDelete"walk" with Him is Totally Your business, no one elses.
We each are in this "classroom" called life to learn lessons...we either do or we don't. Your lessons are not the same as mine so I keep my mouth shut on the way you should learn and accomplish your goals. I just try to encourage you and be there For you if you should stumble or fall. It's called love...
Throw the negativity out the back door...don't listen to it. Amy is going to find her way as well sweetheart...she Will. After all, she has You as her Mother!
(((HUG)))
Having raised 2 girls myself CJ I can assure you that it an be heartbreaking t times. The words spill out their mouths at times and they truly can have no idea how excruciatingly they can hurt you....
ReplyDeleteI'm sure as others have said that the person didn't mean to offend you, some gain strength from the idea of a God, personally it makes my flesh crawl.
You are doing the best you can and Amy will grow up knowing that she is loved and supported. Make sure you are too sweetheart x
I think its a turn of phrase that people bring out when they havent anything constructive or helpful to say, I m raising a teenager without autism and that hard enough, so huge credit to you. She loves you and you love her and together you will find a way through this xx
ReplyDeleteI love how people throw God into their comments without ever checking that the listener believes in God. That's the first thing that annoys me. And yes, for those who believe, I've always wondered how he ducks and dives with regard to his input and/or responsibility. How come, when people win Oscars and football games, they give thanks to God, because obviously it has nothing to do with the practice and dedication they put in. And then when something really awful happens (like a mass shooting), it's nothing to do with God, he's just standing back and letting humans do their thing. Wha?
ReplyDeleteMy dad died when I was 20 and he was 50. I think a lot of the "God never gives you more than you can handle" crap, comes from a place of not having a clue what to say to the bereaved. Not quite sure what's running through the minds of people who comment on Amy, but I'd like to hope it was from pure ignorance rather than an attempt to preach. Pity they can't just keep their mouths shut when they know nothing of your situation and your heart.
Do I need to check what your beliefs are before I am allowed to share mine. How strange. Then a conversation mentioning faith could never even begin. Faith is a very important part of many people's lives and they want to feel free to express their opinions are much as a parent who wishes to comment on their child. Must you check I am a parent before we talk about children? Opinions of any nature should always be shared with care and consideration for those they are being shared with but that doesn't mean a something like faith shouldn't be mentioned at all. I also worry that 'those who believe' are being placed in one bucket. Do all people who believe feel that about sports wins and shootings? That's a bit like suggesting all women feel the same about custard creams. I think people often offer out comfort they feel would help them in a given situation, it's much harder to offer the comfort a person really needs themselves. Many have little experience of 'saying the right thing' at the right time,it's a life long learning. I hope I never feel afraid to share that I have a faith because the person I am talking to does not. No more should I be afraid to say that I am gay if the person I was talking to is not. Life is a rich tapestry.
DeleteOh sweety, I don't know what to say at all *big hugs*.
ReplyDeleteI think people mean it in a way of comfort, without realising that they are actually being quite insulting. I can imagine parenting a teenager is hard enough without throwing autism in to the mix. I hate the idea though that God is purposely giving us things to deal with. In my argument, if autism is so difficult to deal with, why did He invent it in the first place?
ReplyDeleteYou're a fantastic parent from the sounds of it, you don't need Gods help xx
I hate this with a passion we get told often that it is God's way that Rhianna died, and it is his plan that D was taken from us. I have serious issue with that, like seriously would God take a baby and a best friend from us, and not only us would God take a sister, and an Uncle from a four year old?
ReplyDeleteI know it is said as a comforter, but you know what it does diddly squat, it doesn't stop us crying. It doesn't stop us having a four year old scared of death. It doesn't stop the pain. All I can see it does it makes the person who says it feel better as 'they have helped'.
As you can tell I get a little irate about this.
Also wanted to say sorry about the teenage years and Amy, I have no experience or advice to give I imagine that it can be really tough at times xx
Amen
ReplyDeleteAll beliefs are the property of the individual and should be respected, but in my view, not commented upon. True friends accept you and your situation wiyhout trying to dissect it. Had hard childhood and teenage years with child for different reasons, and found commentary in that vein was not helpful. All my best love to you, Amy, and her father. XXX
ReplyDeleteWell said Hun
ReplyDeleteCx
Faith re no faith. Impossible to discuss without raising blood pressure on all sides. But as I've said before, Amy is lucky to have a mum like you.
ReplyDeleteThis sort of thing makes me want to curl up and let my world fall apart and then rely on others to pick up the pieces... anything helpless and pathetic will do, just so as God doesn't think I'm able to cope with anything big that I didn't ask for.
ReplyDeleteLife with a teenager is difficult, and with autism in the mix it's more difficult for everyone.
ReplyDeleteBut one thing....Amy has your unwavering love and that is worth more than anything in this world to her, even if she doesn't give that impression sometimes. She is a lucky girl. Lots of children grow up with parents who don't care/are unable to care, and they haven't a chance.
With your love, Amy will be ok, really she will.
You must tatke care of yourself though, and sometimes it's good to have a big cry, let it out.