I have Amy's annual review this week. As she was diagnosed with autism when she was 3, I've sat in many of these reviews, some I've enjoyed and some I haven't. Last year's was a mixed bag because it was her first review at the special school and it brought to light many areas in which she was falling behind, that hadn't been picked up at her previous school. There were other issues we had to face head-on, too. I don't know what this year's will bring but I have a funny feeling I'm going to be told she isn't concentrating in class enough and is a little disruptive. She's doing well in some of her subjects, fortunately those being English, Maths and Science, but the subjects she isn't interested in she naturally isn't excelling in them. I was exactly the same. As I suspect are most other children on the planet. Still, it doesn't make it any easier to hear your child is falling behind and could do better. Maybe I'll be pleasantly surprised and hear she's doing absolutely fine and I have nothing to worry about.
The thing is she seems to have a problem with some of her teachers. This is quite normal for a teenager but it's all new to me because Amy has always got on well with teachers and been known as polite, chatty and respectful. I fear however, this may not be the case as much because she really does get her knickers in a twist over some teachers. The amount of times I've said I'll ring school only to have her back down and make out it isn't probably as bad as all that is more than I care to admit. I wouldn't ring school unless I thought she was genuinely being picked on of course; I do believe the teachers know what they're doing and all the ones I've met have been very professional and extremely complimentary of Amy.
The other thing is that this is the first review where Amy will be present. And I'm not altogether sure I agree with that. Someone said the child has every right to be there because it is about them, but it will be impossible for me to bring up my concerns about Amy's problem with teachers and my other concerns about her vulnerabilities - she has feelings and I know if I say something in front of her about this it will embarrass her. All previous reviews have been parents, teacher, headteacher, SENCO, and some reviews have had a few other professional bodies also, like Educational Psychologists. I can see that it's important for the child to be present but when your child has autism things aren't quite as simple as they sound. Amy is dead against attending the meeting and is dreading it. But it's the way they're doing it now and they insist on Amy being present. To me, it's unnecessary stress for a teenager to cope with and means if I want to discuss the above issues I'll need to make a separate appointment. Why do authorities need to change something that's worked for many, many years? Maybe you have the answers...
Quick Edit: I should have pointed out the review is Pupil Centered which means Amy has no choice but to be there.
I think they should ask the child if they wish to attend but then like in Amy's case they don't wish to or the parent feels it inappropriate then they should be excused.
ReplyDeleteMy second daughter was diagnosed with aspergors when she was about 8 but as she was borderline they choose not to label her. We agreed with this at the time as she want going to receive any extra support and a dx may have hampered her future career. Anyway this was the right decision until we hit puberty and now her symptoms are really evident.
But we cannot approach any of our concerns due to the fact that she will over react if we mention it to any of her teachers. So we have a no win situation. Schools need to realise that teenagers are at an awkward age and anything and everything seems like a personal attack.
This is the problem; when they get to teen years overreacting becomes the norm and that's exactly what Amy's going through.
DeleteDon't let Amy's presence at the review stop you from bringing up her concerns as it will show that you're listening to her & want to resolve them. She may feel embarrassed but you're there to be her advocate &, if staff aren't aware of the issues, they can't do anything to help! I've done several with my Son over the years & some have been eye opening both for me & his teachers.
ReplyDeleteYou have a point there - I think my worries are more about her being embarrassed because she does know I worry, probably too much!
DeleteMy son with Asperger's used to hate the whole review process. He couldn't bear the thought of people talking about him when he wasn't there to hear what was being said but equally hated being present when it was happening. He perceived everything as a negative judgement, personal attack or failure on his part when he needed support.
ReplyDeleteThe powers that be never really got their head round the stress it caused him or were prepared to engage in different approaches. To be fair, there was never going to be a one method fits all solution and it's still a minefield now as he comes to the end of his college years.
Good luck with Amy's review.
That's true as well, there is no one-way-fits-all method.
DeleteMaybe you could wait and see what the review brings and ask for an extra appointment without Amy, to bring forward your own concerns? Specially at a special needs school I don't think you will be the only parent facing this problem. My children weren't even allowed to read their reports until they were 14 and school specifically asked parents to discuss the contents but not let children read the actual report. And neither has any special needs. It was just the school's policy.
ReplyDeleteI think this is why I find it to be so awkward - I didn't read my reports until in my teens and would wait with bated breath when my parents had been to parents' evening.
DeleteAny change is always upsetting. Maybe two reviews, one with your daughter and one without is the only way forward? I know my son used to truly hate his reviews, he would be totally un co-operative throughout, even though he would take some things on board. I always had to make a separate appointment if I had concerns I needed to discuss.
ReplyDeleteTwo reviews isn't going to happen I'm afraid even though it is a good idea in theory. And yes, the change is very unsettling.
DeleteWell they do say change is necessary don't they, but sometimes you feel they are making changes simply for the sake of it, to be seen to be doing something to 'improve' things?
ReplyDeleteThis seems such a stressful thing for both of you to go through, you of course being the adult are more able to cope with this than is Amy. I tend to agree with Ivy and with Tru actually, both are valid arguments. In the end, I think you will go with your gut instinct and do what feels right for both of you, but probably primarily what feels right for your daughter. Good luck.
That's what went through my mind, Maggie - a change for the sake of it. I'm all for progress and trying out different things but in this case, it's always worked really well the way it's been so why change that?
DeleteAs a teacher i often found it difficult to speak candidly with the parents when the child was present - especially if it was a bout a learning difficulty or condition that the child was sensitive about. I understand you completely.
ReplyDeleteGood to hear from a teacher's point of view.
DeleteHave they actually said she will be in for the whole meeting? In my son's school, where admittedly most students had autism and SLD, the pupil was brought in just for the last few minutes where they could be publicly congratulated on what they'd done well and if able they would have had an opportunity to comment on how they saw things. But the tricky subjects would have been covered in advance by the adults present. Doing it that way covers the childs rights but doesn't limit frank discussion.
ReplyDeleteYes, Cathy, the whole meeting. The review is a new thing they're trying out called Pupil Centered so Amy has to be there also. I've spoken to the deputy head (lovely lady) and feel more reassured now, though I have voiced my concerns and we'll just have to see how it goes. If it doesn't work, they will think again. I still have my reservations.
DeleteIf Amy doesn't want to be in there with you then I am not too sure why she has to be. I agree with what has been said in the comments, maybe arrange another meeting without Amy being there.
ReplyDeleteI hope it goes well x
Thanks, Kelly. I'm afraid Amy has no choice!
DeleteParents are being listened to less and less these days and they need to fight Back! If you want to talk privately to her teachers, just look them in the eye and tell them. Amy can sit in for what She needs BUT...You ALSO have rights as her guardian...Use them.
ReplyDeletehughugs
I think it's a case of a separate meeting being arranged if needs be. To be fair to Amy's school, the teachers are wonderful and the school as a whole is the best I've ever known (they all have their faults of course but I struggle to find any with this one).
DeleteMy son has traits of Aspergers although not diagnosed and was always well thought of in primary school. When he went to secondary school it did change slightly, he can enjoy a subject or not depending on the teacher! In yr 8 I had terrible trouble with his progress and behaviour in his french class and now he has taken it as GCSE! Same for his english last year dur to his class with the teacher. I think they struggle if they take a dislike to the teacher involved.
ReplyDeleteI do think the child at least should be given the choice to be present or not, however, even at secondary schools they have the pupils present at the parents eve too! I hope it goes well though and she doesn't feel under too much pressure :)
I do think they change considerably when they get to their teens and reach high school. I'm seeing many changes in Amy and some of them scare me, but that's another story.
DeleteThat's crazy. I can absolutely see that the child should know what's going on, but why no have half the meeting with the child and half without? That way if Amy has anything she wants to bring up she can, but you also get a chance to air your worries freely.
ReplyDeleteI do hope it goes well for you all.
Thanks, Livi. My chat with school has put my mind at rest a bit but I know am's dreading it and that's my main concern right now.
DeleteI find it difficult to comprehend why it's better that Amy is present for all of the meeting. I think it would be better if it was just yourselves first, then let Amy come in and have her say if she wants to.
ReplyDeleteIf it were me, I would definitely make another appointment so that you can discuss the things you're not comfortable discussing in front of Amy, and let them know that's why.
All in all, though, the special school does seem to be working out better for Amy, and for that I'm delighted.
Hope all goes well!
Hi Mimi. The special needs school is an amazing place and to be honest, there is no comparison between it and the mainstream. She, and I, was hitting our heads against a brick wall but these last 18 months have seen a massive improvement as she's been given opportunities she was never given in mainstream.
DeleteIt seems excessive requiring Amy to be present, pupil centred or not. I remember my idea of Hell being having to talk to my teachers with my parents present. I hope you can get it sorted out anyway. :-) I CAN'T WAIT FOR YOUr NEW BOOK. :-D
ReplyDeleteSame here. Sitting at the back of the class scratching "I love Darren" into a desk wasn't my smartest move, neither was smoking behind the bike sheds, but when my mum and dad found out, I was for the chop. Never realized the teachers knew so you can imagine how embarrassed I was!
DeleteP.s. book is out on Kindle and paperback. I'll be making the big announcement later this week :-)
DeleteThat's great! One other thing I was wondering... have you looked into doing an Audible version of your novels with Amazon? I don't know how you'd go about that, but I love to hear a story told by its author. I watched your YouTube previews and they were great. :-D
DeleteNot something that interests me. I can't stand YouTube. No time to do audio, much too busy being a mum and a farmer's wife!
DeleteOK fair enough. :-) Any chance you can unblock me on Twitter? I'm sorry for being an idiot on there.
DeleteOur school (in the USA) starts bringing all kids into parent-teacher conferences (as they're called) from when they're about Year 5. Their reason is that they want to make the kids more responsible for what goes on in the classroom and to make them feel part of the process. They also do this with the children with Learning Difficulties, although not autism and Aspergers. If there is something I want to discuss, I simply wait to see how the conference goes then ask for a follow up meeting to discuss the other things.
ReplyDeleteI can understand yours and Amy's apprehension but I would wait to see what happens first. They can't stop you withholding some discussion points and asking for a little privacy after this meeting.
I'm hoping it will go well after speaking to school today. Just concerned for my baby really now as she's very nervous about it all. Just feel it's pressure she doesn't need.
Deleteat our special needs residential school/college the young one don't sit in but the older ones do. However the ones that we know will bevcome very anxious or really agitated about it are told they do not have to sit through all of it. This seems to lessen the anxiety a bit and we find that most of them will actually stay until the end. Of course we do get the occasional one that cannot due to whatever reason but these are very few. Maybe you could suggest this in Amy's school? Surely it is better to pre-empt a massive melt down in this way! it certainly seems to work for us and we have all sorts of needs in our school/college and I think most of the students are on the autistic Spectrum in one degree or another
ReplyDeleteI've asked about that but they're adamant at having the child in the whole meeting. They have said it will be possible to ask Amy to leave for 10 minutes should I need to discuss something but my problem with that is, Amy is quite a paranoid child and will be wondering what we're discussing!
DeleteI agree with both of your reservations. I think parent and teacher can talk a lot more freely if the child/teen is not there.
ReplyDeleteI know I may have liked it as a teen, out of sheer nosiness, but I would have felt very conscious that the conversation wouldn't be as free flowing with me there listening to all of it.
You're right! Why change something that's worked for YEARS?
I hope you post again after the meeting to let us all know how it goes.
Liska x
I doubt the conversation will be free flowing, as you rightly say. A big part of me doesn't see the point in doing it this way but I have to give it a chance.
DeleteCJ... read the comment re your book, so went onto Amazon and read the sample Kindle book. I always read the samples/first pages of books where I can, and if it doesn't hook me there and then, I don't bother. Suffice to say there was enough hook for me to buy it and I'll carry on reading it this afternoon! Having to have a rest day due to BP playing silly beggars again.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Maggie. I really appreciate you downloading the book and hope you enjoy it. There are a few swear words in it that I know you're keen on, but I know you're open-minded ;-)
DeleteI'm all for encouraging children to become involved but I don't think schools should force them to attend. My son is just not interested in attending his review and I don't intend to include him. I know that he won't understand a lot of what is being said and that he will start to become bored which will then lead to some negative behaviour later on.
ReplyDeleteHis presence will also make it very difficult for me to have a frank discussion with the teachers which in the end wont help my son. I need an open and honest talk with his school to plan his integration back into education. Once the teachers and I have agreed a approach I can then share it with my son in terms that he will understand.
Good luck for the meeting. Deb
PS your book sounds fab.