There comes a time when we have to loosen the apron strings and trust our children to an extent where they feel independent. Breathing down their necks doesn't help them to secure friendships and it surely won't prepare them for the big wide world. But a child like Amy sees everything black and white. She doesn't understand the dangers of paedophiles and trolls, cyber-bullying and impersonators. She sees people as they are. If she thinks they have a pretty face, she will assume they are kind. Her vulnerability knows no bounds and there lies the dangers of social media for a child like Amy. The blog she used to write on was carefully monitored by me; she didn't know how to access it. She is able to use the Internet, quite efficiently I hasten to add, but I have parental control permanently on. I'm not an expert on social media, far from it, but I've seen and heard about the dangers children can find themselves in and it all leaves a lot to be desired. Maybe one day Amy will have her own Facebook account, but not for a few years yet. I'd like to keep a lid on the possibility of risks online, just for a while longer.
Edit: Please read Fiona's comment to this post because she is absolutely bang on the nail. Many thanks.
This post was inspired by Sandi McBride who writes eloquently about the subject of kids using Facebook.
You cant wrap her in cotton wool to protect her. Of course you must abide by rules, if she is too young for Facebook then ok but eat about moshi-monsters or baby doll or the zillions of other games that link people. You need to teach her how to be safe. How to recognise danger and some very strict rules. CEOPS have some good videos to watch and interactive tools for parents and children. My main rules are written down: if you can physically take me to meet that person, you know them already in person, you may link to them. (This has restricted her links massively), no real name, a consistently incorrect birthdate (your real friends know your birthday), no location services, no location indicators, no place signs in photos, parents are in the loops too. The mums are actively in the conversations and groups. All passwords are known to me. I too have strong parental control software. This all works well for me. It's like teaching them how to cross the road properly because one day they will have to do it alone.
ReplyDeleteI know what you're saying. For Amy however, it's not quite the same as teaching a typical child to use the internet, the dangers will always be there as she thinks so literally. Unfortunately, Amy has no road sense even though she's 12 years old. We do look ridiculous holding hands as we cross the road as she's taller than me, but there's no other option, apart from a lead, lol.
Deletestick with it, as you have said autists are not the ame as non autists
DeleteThe trouble with social media is that whether we like it or not it is the future for our children. Give it a generation and I expect it'll become the norm from a much younger age. We just have to do the best we can to protect our children from the dangers - just like you would when you let them play outside with their friends without you or walk to school on their own (I'm dreading that day already I can tell you!). We teach our kids about stranger danger and they listen so there's not reason that this can't be done with the internet as well.
ReplyDeleteI don't really know the answers to keeping the internet safe but I'm sure I'll work it out along the way. My husband has already said he's going to be child locking our computer as much as is humanly possible!
I hope you can find a way of keeping Amy safe on the internet.
I agree to an extent - it is the future of our children. In our case, we have to be extra vigilant because it may not necessarily be the future of my child.
DeleteI do understand things are different for you. I am just reluctant to make comments relating directly to an autistic child though simply because I have no experience of that myself. When I comment on your posts it's purely from a viewpoint of myself as a mother and children in general. Hope you don't take offense when I comment as I do think your posts raise interesting issues x x x
DeleteAbsolutely no offence taken whatsoever. I can only speak for an autistic child because I have never had a neuro-typical one so I understand the other side of the coin, too. Thank you for returning and for your reply x
DeleteMy daughter has facebook and I opened the account for her so I have the password and could set up the necessary security measures and speak to her about it and they are there. She left junior school last year and I thought it was the right time to have it as she could keep in touch with all her friends she was going to leave behind and miss. She has also found some of her nursery school friends on there and speaks with her cousins who live far from her so it's become the 'social utility' it should be. She has had a couple of issues; one about a chain letter which scared her and the other when a boy from school said something mean but she soon learned to handle it. My daughter loves instagram but not twitter or blogs and she's very conversant with it all because it's what I do for a living. Parents do need to gen up on all this and educate their children and not treat social media as if it's something scary. However, parents do know their children best and if they say no to social media, they do it with good reason probably.
ReplyDeleteI often wish Amy was street-wise enough to be able to use social media, I really do. But over the years I've had to accept that she isn't and that she's incredibly vulnerable.
DeleteYou are absolutely spot on with this post. I think what needs highlighting here is that Amy is on the autistic spectrum. Yes she is capable of learning and for the time that she is under supervision is safe on line but how she employs what she's taught by herself is another matter entirely. A lot of people on the spectrum have significant problems with internet saftey and it is a big issue at my son J's special school. J is severely autistic but he's bright with it. He knows when something is hot but that doesn't mean he won't touch it. Why? Heaven knows. He puts electric cables in his mouth and chews them too. It doesn't matter how often he's told no or how dangerous it is. Advice, instruction aren't enough to keep him safe. Amy isn't as severely autistic as J but she is every bit as vulnerable. Her inability to see behind facades is impaired and that makes the internet a dangerous place for her. Thank you for raising awareness of this issue. xxx
ReplyDeleteThis explains it all a lot more for me. And a huge difference about why our home rules will work for us but not for others. Thanks.
DeleteFiona, you could have written this post for me yourself; you've said everything in your comment that I was trying to convey. Thank you that.
DeleteI am pleased to see that these issues are being discussed. In theory, you are supposed to be 16 before using Facebook, but it is a difficult and complex issue. At the end of the day, if none of Amy's friends were on there, then there would be no point in her joining. It has become the "norm". It is just good to see that people are interested in discussing the issues involved sensibly, and that people realise the importance of balancing parental responsibility against personal freedom issues. It is important not to "wrap in cotton wool", but a child's safety and well-being must ultimately come first.
ReplyDeleteI thought you were supposed to be 16, too, Paula. I know a lot of children who use social media who aren't even 10 and this does worry me. I know it's an individual thing and only parents know whether their child is ready, but in my case, I'm not even sure Amy will be ready when is 16 either.
DeleteIt's a very complex subject. I can see your and Fiona's view, I can see the other side of the coin (making the child aware to cope)too. In the end, it boils down to the individual child's ability/needs and the individual parenting. Do what YOU FEEL is right for you and Amy. It's the same procedure as what you would do in allowing Amy to go off shopping in Newcastle by herself or having a Saturday job. You decide what age is appropriate, if at all, and you decide what the rules are.
ReplyDeleteI think it definitely boils down to the child's abilities and needs. It has to be a decision taken by the parent about whether they feel the child is ready. As for shopping in Newcastle, right now that seems a very long way off, if ever.
DeleteUnfortunately Addy a lot of Those on the autistuc Spectrum will NEVER be aware enpugh to be able to cope with social networking as it is not black and white.
DeletePaula - you've picked up a key point. Peer group pressure is all around children these days, and the demand for a mobile, a facebook account and so on are examples of where it is really difficult to make accurate judgements of what is right. As a parent, I suspect lots of us could do better at saying 'no' a bit more often! Our 'no' policies have reflected that there is for instance, no point in having a mobile if you haven't got anyone to ring (who you couldn't ring from a parental phone), that the age restrictions are just that, along with the CEOPS et al guidance. We all learn by making mistakes and have to deal with them. Most of us probably didn't wait till we were the legal age for our first alcohol. But by having the boundaries we could at least be more aware of risks and rules rather than think a free for all is the best way forward. Your care sounds spot on, good luck!
ReplyDeleteI agree; if more parents said that NO word occasionally, I think many of the problems our children face today could be tackled effectively and with less hassle. Children needs rules and boundaries, they also need routine, and if they have autism, they need these things more than anything, including social media.
Deletethere are age requirements for social media for a reason...my niece is on FB and should not be...she does not understand at 8...we ended up reporting her so that she would be kicked off...the net is not a baby setter and does not have your child in its best interest
ReplyDeleteOooh, 8 is very young isn't it. I can't say I blame you for what you did, Brian.
DeleteThe thought of kids using Facebook creeps me out. It's very disturbing.
ReplyDeleteI find the fact that some children use Twitter even more disturbing!
DeleteMine are on facebook and are pretty street wise for Cornish bumpkins! I am friends with them, they just spend their time chatting to their friends from school and playing farmvile. I am comfortable with this.I believe your kids are ready when you believe they are, no one else can tell you this.
ReplyDeleteYou're right, no one knows what's best for your kids in my opinion. If your children are just talking with friends and you're okay with that, it's your choice.
DeleteI'm rather on the fence here. Yes Amy is vulnerable, but you can teach her how to use FB. She should learn only to add people she knows in real life, family and friends from her old and new schools. You can make sure her privacy settings are correct. In that way she is to a certain extent protected and I don't think stranger danger would be a major issue if you keep an eye on the account.
ReplyDeleteWhat does worry me is that school kids use social media for cyberbullying. What should be a tool for keeping in touch with old and current friends becomes something far more sinister. On the other hand many higher functioning people with ASD find the web, including social media, an excellent way of keeping in touch with the world when they find face to face contact hard.
Only you can decide if FB is suitable for Amy, but many kids do use it from around her age to keep in touch with friends and I'm sure she is able enough to take on board safety instructions, if you explain why you are putting rules in place. It's a hard call, maybe you could put off a decision for a year or two. x
Great advice, Cathy. I must admit, I have toyed with the idea this week which is why I wrote this post, but I am going to put it off for a year or two until I feel a bit more comfortable with it. To be honest, she doesn't show a great deal of interest in social media anyway so I'm hoping when she does come to try FB, she will understand the issues that can come with it.
DeleteThe trouble is Cathy that with a lot of autistic children if someone say I am a friend of Mum/dad/school friend they will believe them and add as a friend leaving themselves open to all sorts. I have known a student who was actually quite streetwise (and nearly 18) get linked up with a man on a social network that she didn't know and was arranging to meet him. she knew her Mum would not approve but still could not understand the danger. Luickily she was found out in time and stopped.
DeleteI just blogged about this recently too. As Fiona says, the Internet brings added dangers for children who have special needs and the teach them what to do strategy is just not enough for them.
ReplyDeleteNone of my children are mature enough to do Facebook or Twitter or any other social media that is not fully moderated and protected so none of my have any social media accounts even though lots of their friends do (with fibs about their ages).
The age limits are there with minimum guidelines for a reason and whether I will allow Facebook at age 13 or not I have not decided yet, but for 2 of mine, the answer would definitely be a huge no.
You've also hit the nail on the head here; I don't consider Amy to be mature enough to use social media on her own and do feel the minimum age guidelines should be more closely monitored. But I guess it is difficult if a child is lying about their age.
DeleteOur Sami (17 on the 23rd of this month) has a FB which Crystal has the passwords to...AND she constantly reads it and makes "suggestions" (Hahaaa) to her...
ReplyDeleteWilliam is too young yet for one (12).
Oh, and that wasn't a lens cover, it's a lens hood...for light reflections.
Happy weekend sweet friend!!
hughugs
I'd keep passwords as well, Donna; apart from safety reasons, Amy would never remember hers!
DeleteThanks for putting me right about lens hood!
I think you are very wise.
ReplyDeleteI was well-taught!
DeleteMy son is 12, he has just gone up to secondary school and many of his friends have FB. I have been asked on my account by them if he has his own and i have replied no. My answer was that i thought he was still too young, but that if they wanted to be my friend and arrange a time to talk to him then that would be ok. So far none have said yes. (probably because they don't want me knowing what they talk about.) We are very open family and discuss things such as this on a regular basis. My son understands why i won't let him have an account just yet and doesn't push his luck. I have always been able to say No to my children and they know that i am the adult in the house. I will listen to their opinions but at the end of the day they also know i am the one with the responsibility for keeping them safe. My parentals controls are set high, they have to ask permission to use the internet, and i am always in the room. This may sound harsh for my son at 12 but i have to consider my daughter at 8 and she could see what he's looking at that may not be appropriate. I do however let them play the games i have on FB when i am with them. they at least feel they get to share my account with me and play with our friends who live miles away.
ReplyDeleteThe same goes for MSN, i allow them to talk to family and friends while next to me so i can monitor them.
I don't think that's at all harsh; it's a way of keeping your child safe and monitoring what he is doing. We can step away to a certain extent but at aged 12, same as Amy, children are impressionable and need to explore. I let Amy play Moshi Monsters and a dressing up dolls game, but they are very mild and secured with parental controls.
DeleteProblem i have is that his dad (we have been separated since he was born) lets him play and watch games, dvd's for 18yrs. I've tried asking nicely and telling him not to, but it leads to major arguements and probles with me being bad guy. Not that it bothers me as i want to keep my son innocent of certain things for a while longer. But it makes life very hard in our house while son sulks and ignores me.
DeleteSometimes i wish we had something more than our common sense and instinct to guide us.
Think that would really annoy me, too. There have to be rules and boundaries otherwise children will not know whether they're coming or going. There's nothing worse than being undermined by an absent parent.
DeleteSutleress - You had a good teacher lol. I am proud that you feel you have a very open family and I agree totally as you know and try to reinforce your ways
DeleteI'm very wary of Facebook, especially where young people are concerned. I've seen so much trouble (in the school where I teach) from it, people being left out of social events, then photos posted on facebook, and they're really upset.
ReplyDeleteIt's also hard for young people to realise that what people post on facebook is the "public" face they want seen, and behind the scenes, they may be completely different, shy, unhappy, etc.
And then there are the dangers of strangers lurking- I have heard of perfectly sensible teens arranging to meet up with people they've "met" on facebook.
And then you get onto the fact that they may post stuff that will go against them in a search for future employment.
It's all a minefield, and I think you're being wise and a good mother. Better safe than sorry.
That's what worries me about it; Amy's vulnerability will always be there and even though I wish she was a little more street-wise, I have had to accept that she never will be. Many kids get caught out by bullying on FB, something else that scares me, having spent a lot of my childhood years being bullied myself.
DeleteI think you are so right. I know children who are on there and refuse to 'friend' them as I am also aware some of the people I have as friends talk about subjects I'd much rather young minds didn't see. Let's face it, it isn't just what you write they see is it? You are so sensible - keep her away as long as you can and as you say, she is so innocent in her outlook that she would be far more vulnerable ans as such, best kept off there. People can be cruel just to be cruel - why have her face that before she needs to. Well done you xxx
ReplyDeleteWith all the different settings in FB, I think that alone is a danger to young children. Some things can be kept private, yet it's easy to look up someone you know without really knowing them, if you know what I mean. I don't ever want her to face cruel people, though I know she already has and will do, but if I can protect her then I will.
DeleteChildren have to be 13 to have a Facebook account, though I know many who use it much younger.
ReplyDeleteI think the safest way to allow Amy to use it when you feel the time is right, is to agree to her having it on the proviso you have full access to the account as well. You are the one to set her privacy settings and the rules of use are that she only adds people she physically knows in real life; school friends etc. You make it so her profile doesn't show up in a single search so sheyou has control of asking for friendships, but her account is hidden. She doesn't use the internet in her room alone with the door closed. You check it every day, with or without her and if these are followed, she will be safe.
A lot of the horror stories are from children whose parents know little of the internet, Facebook or its privacy abilities. A good place to educate yourself more, if you wanted to, before discussing it further with Amy - because it will likely come up again - is http://ceop.police.uk/ It's a great organisation and it's website holds lots of information on keeping children safe on line and has links to other organisations whose focus is keeping children safe in an ever widening world.
It's not a decision you have to rush in to. I understand your concerns.
Thanks for this advice, Rebecca. I'll definitely look at the link you give. I know one or 2 children under 13 who have an account but I do know their parents monitor it. It's quite scary, not to mention irresponsible on the parents' part, to allow a child younger than this to have their own account and be able to use it behind closed doors. I think we all know the dangers of social media by now so really, there's no excuse in my opinion.
DeleteI think you're right.
ReplyDeleteMy daughter is 17 and has a FB account, as you would expect. I'm a friend so I can visit her page, although I'm not allowed to comment!
My nephew is the same. I've commented on his FB page once or twice but he never responds. Think I embarrass him in front of his mates!
Deletei think you are very sensible. i wish we weren't faced with these dilemmas.. I hate facebook.
ReplyDeleteElsie, I try to be sensible about it without being too much like a dictator. I quite enjoy FB for myself but only because I don't play games or get involved with groups and events too much. I just like a bit of interaction between people I know.
ReplyDeleteMy place of work is a residential special needs school and I work with 17-19 year olds. we also get the police to come and talk to our students on occasion as part of their learning and we had them to speak about cyberbullying and text bullying and they laid it on the line about how these things can be traced even though they have been deleted from the mobile etc. it was interesting and shocked a few of our more streetwise students
ReplyDeleteThat's a wonderful idea to bring the police in. My daughter's school have also done this and I do believe it makes the children think carefully.
DeleteHi there Crystal! How are you? Heard of Sex Education is a requirement in Special Needs School? While those who doesn't have disability, the non-handicap don't need to take Sex Ed in school. How's that to you, what is your opinion in this kind of education?
ReplyDeleteI have much faith in the teachers at my daughter's school and would not question their methods to teach this subject. I'm not a teacher and do not have the expertise to answer a question concerning this subject being taught to neuro-typical children.
Delete