Exceedingly Positive

Amy spent a day at her new school this week. I haven't seen her so happy about a school day, it was truly wonderful to see the beaming smile on her face when I kissed her goodbye in the foyer. Naturally, I thought about her all day but unusually for me, I didn't worry about her for one second. It was quite obvious she was in good hands and when I saw how incredibly excited she was as I witnessed her chatting with another girl in her group, the tears I felt stabbing the back of my eyes were of pure joy. She's talked about nothing else since she was there on Tuesday and told me about joining in the Karaoke Club, playing tig in the playground, sitting on the grass with a boy she's totally taken with (as a friend!) and enjoyed socialising in the dining hall. It was all very positive. We couldn't be happier for her. If she could skip the summer holidays and get straight on with the transition, I honestly think she would.

I've had to buy a new set of uniform of course and I'll get her a new school bag in the holidays. It's a huge step for many children but Amy seems to have taken it in her stride. It's a long journey every day, 74 mile round trip in a mini-bus, but she can listen to her MP3 player or fall asleep. I suspect she'll chat to the other passengers a lot, another great way to enhance her social skills. When I first made enquiries about her changing school I expected it would be a long drawn out process of never ending battles, constant chasing and stressed out phone calls. How wrong I was. We've had support from every angle, the process has been smooth and, most importantly, Amy is 100% happy and confident about beginning a new chapter. I'm proud of her. I can't begin to tell you how much.

Do You Love A Happy Ending?

I think if you really enjoy doing something and you really get out of it what you put in, that you should carry on and enjoy yourself in the process. Well that something for me, is blogging. I guess I'm a little addicted to it. Some might say I'm obsessed with it. Especially my husband and my sister, neither of whom understand blogging at all. But because I thoroughly enjoy it, I shall carry on until the day arrives when I no longer get pleasure from hitting that "publish" button. There would have been a time when I'd have listened to other people and taken their opinions on board; maybe even agreed with them when they classed me as an oddball who has 'no life'. But now? Now I laugh at them and say "it's my life, deal with it." I'd never disrespect my family of course but we all have to do something in our lives that we enjoy. There are many people who's hobbies take them away from every day life, sometimes even causing a rift, but blogging isn't one of them. The beauty of the blog is that one can switch it on and off whenever one feels like it.

I recently became involved with a new website called loveahappyending.com which launches today. I was extremely honoured to be asked to join and am listed as one of the authors on the website. In order to celebrate its launch, most authors are giving away free copies of their books and I'm giving away three signed paperback copies of my recently published novel, Discovery at Rosehill. There are one or two things you need to do in order to enter but it's all very simple; the most important thing is to leave a comment on this post saying why you'd like to win a copy of my book. If you'd like to know more about it, please click on Discovery at Rosehill Information above. You'll need to leave an email address as a contact. I will be picking the 3 winners at random, but loveahappyending.com will contact you if you win. If you're not happy leaving an email address on here, please email me privately at crystal.jigsaw7@btinternet.com but I ask you to leave a comment just to say you've emailed me so that I don't lose your entry in my system. You can rest assured your email address won't be used for any other purpose, that's a promise from me. Winners will be notified on 17th July. Please have a look at the website and see if there are any other books you like the look of; you can enter any of the giveaways. I've also included a new page on this blog which gives a little more information about the launch. I've included a short excerpt from Chapter One on the page as well.

Open Door to a New Life

I've waited a long time for this week to arrive; twenty months to be precise. There was a time when I thought I would never again feel in control and independence was a thing of the past. Sitting in the passenger seat of a car, having to rely on someone to take me to the nearest shop has been harder than I could ever have imagined. But I've been sensible and adhered to the law, having surrendered my driving licence back in October 2009 knowing I would only get it back once I was lawfully and medically fit to drive. I've been feeling fit enough for months now but have obviously done as I was told by the specialist, knowing that if anything happened whilst I was behind the wheel, I'd never be insured. But I'm insured again now and I have my licence back. I take each day as it comes for fear of tempting fate and I will never, ever take my life for granted. I am epileptic. I will always be epileptic, and that is something I've really had to come to terms with these past twenty months.

I was diagnosed with epilepsy in 1999 whilst pregnant with Amy but spent ten years seizure-free. However, it turned out that the medication I was taking wasn't controlling the seizures which is why I became ill again. I won't bore you because I've written about it several times now, but to cut a long story short, I had my medication changed after I was re-diagnosed with photo-sensitive epilepsy this time last year. The diagnosis was one thing but I lost my confidence, became extremely low (possibly bordering on depression) and realised that my independence had been snatched from me in one swoop. I won't deny it's been hard. In some cases, bloody hard. The Farmer has supported me as you would expect but there have been times when I couldn't rely on him because of work. Friends have helped as have family when they've visited. But it's taken a long time for me to even build up my confidence to take the dogs into the fields by myself. I should have been at a conference in London over the weekend and cancelled after kidding myself that I was confident enough to attend. But now I have so much to look forward to; a few holidays planned during the summer, shopping trips etc, it's as though someone has unlocked the door and stepped away so that I can confidently walk through, car keys in my hand and a new lease of life to embrace. I'll never be free of the epilepsy but I will be free of the confidence issues. It might take a little time to get back to normal but I'll do it. Positive thoughts bring positive results. And right now, I feel amazing.

A Field for a Field

Something I learned when I first became involved with a farming family was that life on a farm, in the middle of nowhere, is still surrounded by old-fashioned methods. For many years, farm workers have bartered or worked in lieu rather than exchanged invoices and money for their services. I could never understand this for many years and used to ask constantly, especially during harvest, why the Farmer went to work on neighbouring farms for hours on end, came home exhausted, only to receive no money in his hand. But the workers on these farms return the gesture; a day's fencing here, a day's cutting there.

Sheep shearing is a time when bartering takes place, as is the harvest. Lambing is generally too busy for any farmer to help on other farms as they're working flat out with their own stock. But what I'm starting to find a little unfair these days, is that since the Farmer's dad passed away four years ago, the Farmer chooses to do most of our harvesting by himself. It's a long process and takes several days to work just one field. If he had someone to help him it would be done much quicker yet he prefers to just get on with it, exhausting himself yet perhaps reaping the rewards of his hard labour at the end of it. He's worked and lived on a farm all his life, as have all the other farmers in the area. But I always ponder whether him doing the harvest by himself whilst working on other farms as well, is really balancing our books in the way an invoice should. I think we'd all like to change the world a little, but for many years this has been the way of the land. You have to admire the farming community for the way they support each other throughout the year and how they insist on following with tradition.

Online Form Filling

We really need to be careful these days about where we leave our personal details. It seems that some companies assume they have a right to sell confidential information that belongs to their clients, on to third parties, without the client's permission. On many forms we fill in, paper-wise or online, there is usually a tiny box to indicate whether or not you wish your details to be passed on. I never give my permission for this yet I still receive junk mail both in the post box and in my mail box. And this week alone, I have received more than half a dozen International phone calls. My phone has a feature on it that tells me the number calling; withheld, unavailable or International so I know when not to answer. But after receiving 6 International calls yesterday alone, I decided to answer at 8.30 last night. I wasn't pleased; I don't appreciate being bothered with junk calls in the evening when I'm relaxing. The caller was an Indian, probably from a call center, and couldn't understand a word I said.

I know I'm not the most well-spoken person in the world and my accent is a bit of a mish-mash, but why get someone to ring the UK who doesn't fully understand the English language. Or am I missing something here? The lady on the other end of the phone "told" me I'd filled out a form online for a survey and could I spare five or ten minutes (which usually means fifteen) to answer some questions. I said "no thank you." She wasn't having any of it. I couldn't make out who she was and couldn't be bothered asking her to repeat it, but I had to interrupt her twice to tell her, for want of a better word, to piss off and leave me alone. I didn't say that of course, what I did say was, "Please take me off your database and please do not ring this number again." I said it very plain, very clear. I also said it with a raised voice (she was a long way-away) but her reply to that was, "I don't understand, what do you say?" "Please ree-mooove me from your day-tar-base," I said again, but still she wasn't having it. "It will take a few minutes of your time," she replied, "can you tell me..." At that point I got a bit cross. What I found strange was the way she was able to speak to me in English, albeit rather broken, yet she didn't seem to understand me, no matter how clearly I spoke. I guess the message in this blog post is, "be careful when you're fannying about online and be very careful where you leave your phone number!" Incidentally, I never put my home phone number on forms, especially online. Unless of course it's the tax office. So where this particular lady got my number from I have no idea!

Life's One Big Click

These days, we spend so much of our lives clicking. Computer mice and cameras being the main culprits. I'm not a photographer but I do enjoy taking photographs, especially when out around the farm. Amy's getting quite a dab-hand with the clicking these days, too. She took the header photo above and here are some more pictures she and I took over the weekend of our collies:

Molly (7 and a half yrs)

Bonnie (2 yrs)

Meggie (2 yrs)

Sparky (4 yrs - mum to Bonnie & Meggie)

They never sit still for me. Amy, however...!!

Gorgeous girls together

When we got back from our walk around the fields on Sunday afternoon, Bonnie had rolled in a muddy puddle and Molly had rolled in badger poo; Meggie is moulting terribly so needed to be groomed and Sparky buggered off when she heard someone at the cottages. The joys of dogs. Sigh.

I dedicate this post to my online blogging and Twitter buddy, Milla, who blogs at Country Lite. Please don't forget to check out my Blog Promotions page, newly created last week. If you want your post featured you only need to ask.

Silent Grief

Ten years ago, my life changed in the most significant way. I travelled from Manchester to Northumberland with my mum, dad and Amy, to one of the holiday cottages which are situated on my farm. Little did I know it would be the last holiday I would ever have with my parents, and little did I know it would soon become the place I would finally find the missing piece of jigsaw. From the 16th to the 30th June, 2001, I walked about the farm land, pushing Amy in her pram, catching glimpses of the Farmer in his John Deere tractor. He must have known what I was up to, though he never said. On the nights my mum and dad went out, he came into the cottage, just to sit on the sofa and chat with me. We liked each other; we had the same interests; there was a definite spark between us. My dad thought the world of him, though as a Farmer, not necessarily a potential son-in-law. I think my mum was just glad I was showing an interest in someone else rather than the lost-cause whom I'd spent the last few years with. On the day we departed, the Farmer and I exchanged mobile phone numbers, I got into my dad's car and we drove away. Less than two months later, my dad had dropped dead, Amy's biological father had shown his true colours and I moved permanently to Northumberland.

I guess you could say that was a very busy two months. It was probably the most difficult, too. The stress of my dad's passing was something I couldn't deal with but the Farmer supported me, gave me what I needed most; someone to talk to. This time of year for the past ten years, I sit and reflect on the day I began the rest of my life. I wonder how different it would have been had my dad lived. Would I have stayed in Manchester. I was lonely even though I had Amy. When I moved away, I lost friends, close friends who couldn't understand why I'd left my grieving mum. Some family members also turned against me. But ten years on, happy as I am, content with life, excited about Amy's prospects, looking forward to my own, I still grieve for the man who handed me my future on a plate. I continue to hurt inside, talking to him daily as I walk the dogs or lie awake in my bed. I used to blame myself for my dad's death; that went on for a long time and it's only recently that I've realised no one was to blame. I will always feel as though I owe him so much, yet can now give him so little.

My dad with Amy on New Year's Day 2001

BB: Before Blogging

Ready for our celebratory night out

I was once again overwhelmed with your response to my previous post. Being able to share aspects of my life on this blog means I don't need to spend quite as long talking to the wall and for that reason alone, I am truly grateful for your comments. I find your loyalty and support the biggest and best part of blogging so a massive thank you from the bottom of my heart.

 Now, have you ever thought what you'd do if you didn't blog? Do you sometimes wonder what you did do before you started blogging? It's like before you had children; we all had a life pre-kids, but not many of us (if any) will admit to it being a better life back then. I've been blogging for four years, but it sometimes feels like so much longer. In a nice way of course. I feel as though I've got to know so many people on a personal level and for someone who lives as remotely as I do, that's a very positive thing. Life isn't a bed of roses all the time, there will always be parts of our existence that we wish didn't happen, but in a blog we can talk about it. People can advise us, make suggestions, lift our spirits and help us reach decisions. Before blogging, we had to do all that ourselves.

Does blogging make us lazy in finding solutions to the problems we face? I guess in some ways it probably does, but it's so nice to share our thoughts with others, to ask for help. For me, it's one of the best feelings in the world to know that someone out there is going through the same as you, whether that be something good or bad. It's a consolation that we're never alone. Blogging has taught me that. It's shown me a world outside the little corner in which I live and it's made me realise that no matter what happens in life, there will always be someone who will understand.

I've created a page on this blog where I will promote blog posts. It will be updated on a weekly basis. Recently I've read some amazing posts and I want to share them with you. Blog recognition is encouraging for anyone, so watch out, you could be featured on my list one day!

FANTASTIC NEWS!!!

I want to write this post in capital letters because I feel like shouting my good news from the roof tops, loud enough that the whole world will hear!

AMY HAS BEEN OFFERED A PLACE AT THE SPECIAL SCHOOL WE STATED AS OUR PREFERENCE!

How amazing is that?!!! I literally cried. For about ten minutes, sobbing and throwing my arms up in the air at the same time, a rather odd thing to do perhaps, but this is such incredibly good news for my beautiful girl. We knew she'd be offered a place eventually because the education authority had agreed she needed to be moved, but a part of me worried that a place wouldn't be available for another twelve months or so. I'm not sure if Amy could have coped to be honest, and I'm not sure it would have done her any good having to try. But our worries are over; the transition will take place in September, at the beginning of the new school year. This means she only has six more weeks in mainstream. I will miss the staff at her current school especially one in particular who has supported Amy from her first day at school, six years ago. But I hope we'll keep in touch and the lovely lady will pop in from time to time. I can't believe this has happened so quickly; it's only taken a few weeks for this decision to be made and for a special needs school to offer a place, yet for some people it takes months and sometimes even years. Whether it's a county council issue I don't know, but right now I am most definitely not complaining. This could be the making of Amy; it could mean the difference between her doing GCSE's and not, and it could give her the best foundation to a wonderfully improved and socially skilled life. God, I'm so happy. Thank you to all of you also, for your continuous support xxx

Blog Life

I had one of those conversations recently with someone who doesn't understand blogging. When they said it was something they'd never be interested in, I asked why. Their answer gave me ammunition, even though I would never judge anyone's reason for having an opinion. Fake friendships was mentioned, together with "couldn't be bothered reading about people who I'll never meet". I tried to explain that at least 95% of the bloggers who's blogs I read, I know I'll never meet them, but it doesn't mean I find their lives less interesting. She didn't want to listen and shook her head, whilst I tried my best to think of something to say to convince her otherwise.

So I showed her my blog. I let her read some of my posts and look at the photographs I've published over the last four years. She couldn't believe it, had no idea how incredible having a social life online can be. I felt really proud afterwards, telling her about the many blogs I have the pleasure to read and all the amazing people I've come into contact with. She never realised how much effort it takes to keep a blog updated, and interesting enough to pull in the readers, the most exciting part, I told her. Whether or not she'll start her own blog I don't know, but it reminded me of when I was first introduced to blogging and couldn't believe how rewarding it could be. But the best thing was, after half an hour of telling this person how much enjoyment I get from blogging, I've made someone realise that having a social life online is something to be embraced, not laughed at.

Give Me A Label

It seems many people these days are being, for want of a better word, "lumbered" with labels. In some ways, a label makes it easier to define who you are but in others, a label can be quite damaging, patronising and somewhat inappropriate. I read a cracking blog post yesterday by Jen at The Mad House where she wrote about why someone would want to be called a "mumpreneur". I don't know, is my honest answer, but until I read her post I didn't really think anything of it. For those of you who don't know what a mumpreneur is, my definition is a mum who runs her own business, either from home or away. But I had to agree with Jen and the majority of comments, that this label does somewhat put a sexist slant on our female population who are otherwise classed as a "business-woman".

Of course, these days perhaps we should be known as "business-person", another example of political correctness gone mad. As Amy has always been defined by a label, i.e. autistic, I usually try to turn a blind eye, but I know many parents who absolutely abhor the thought of their child or indeed themselves, having a label. Individuality is what a human being is all about. Putting people into categories and giving them labels means we are compiling little groups, defining them by descriptive characteristics and insinuating that we are, in effect, not individuals. There are lots of labels one could give me, and some of them I realise may not be very nice. As a woman, and therefore a person with an identity, I think I'm entitled to choose my own label should I need one, and right now, that would be something along the lines of "multi-tasker". How about you, what label would you give yourself if you had to?

My Whole World

 

Don't underestimate the power of parenthood; your children are your life, even if they do drive you round the bend, give you a headache, cause you to have sleepless nights. That unconditional love you have for them will always win through in the end. 

Tonight, when your baby wakes you up in the middle of the night for no reason, give them a cuddle. When your toddler wants a snuggle in your bed, make some room. When your teen grunts at you, smile and remember being a teen yourself. 

Parenthood is an incredible journey on which we embark, and it's a journey that will never end.

The Future of Blogging

I haven't read an awful lot of blogs this week because I've been busy. I think blogging does tend to tail off for parents who have their children at home during the school holidays, but the other day I read a really interesting post about how many people are noticing a dip in their comments. If I could remember where I'd read it, I would be honoured to link up to it (do let me know if it's you). It made me think. My blog seems to have a lot of up and down days; sometimes I receive masses of comments then other days I feel as though I've written the biggest load of rubbish ever to grace the Internet. Putting this blog to one side for a moment, some blogs I read get absolutely tons of comments, I'm talking more than a hundred here, yet the content is naff. While other blogs I read are wonderfully written, show beautiful photography and only receive the bare minimum. Why is this?

One site I'm a member of is run by the nicest and most genuine lady, contributed to by hugely talented writers, yet people seem to think comments aren't needed. Of course they're needed. How is anyone supposed to know whether their blog is interesting or reaching a wide audience if people don't leave feedback. Some blogs ask a question while others talk about an event. In other words, some blog posts don't warrant comments but surely it's polite to just leave something? I even heard recently that it's become the new trend "not" to leave a comment. Between you and me, I'd be mortified if that started happening on here. I once asked the question on Twitter, "do you think Twitter is taking over Blogging?" I got a few replies saying, "no", but I'm still not convinced. It seems such a shame to go to a really good blog, knowing the author interacts everywhere they go, only to see just a handful of people have actually acknowledged the post. One blog I went to last week had actually turned their comments off, explaining the reason why was because they didn't see the point of comments. Now I'm sorry, but I have to disagree on that. I very much see the point of comments. They're what makes a blog successful. Whatever your blog content (so long as it's not pornographic or abusive), and whoever you are, blogging is all about interaction. I hope blogging will go from strength to strength, because personally, I'm getting a little worried about its future.

Computer Virus: People Need A Job

On Monday afternoon my computer had a massive failure. Boxes flashed at me, error messages alerted me and the word 'Trojan' was thrust in my face in spectacular fashion by way of my Anti-Virus software saying it had detected it and repaired it. I'm not going to hold back on names here; I have been using McAfee for a while now. But it was quite clear it hadn't repaired it when I was faced with a black screen only to find ALL my documents and pictures were gone. "This folder is empty" said the message every time I tried to look and it suddenly struck me that I had indeed been landed with a virus. Naturally I panicked. Being a total technophobe I didn't have a clue what to do and rang round various people I know who have connections to computer experts. On Tuesday morning, one of these people arrived at the house and confirmed the computer had four viruses, one called Trojan FakeAlert which was probably the culprit that wiped my data.

But let's get this computer lark into perspective shall we. Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't someone have to inflict these viruses usually in a link to a web page, or something? In other words, we are talking about human beings who actually do this damage to our computers. A person is responsible for causing an unnecessary amount of inconvenience and expense, making us panic and hope to God we haven't lost those vital Word documents together with the priceless pictures of our children. What kind of idiot could be so cruel? What type of person does it take to do such damage to a private computer? I'll tell you what sort; a lazy, arrogant, sad and utter no-hoper who has nothing better to do than ruin people's enjoyment, because the only enjoyment they get out of life is sitting on their big fat arse, living on countless benefits and having no intention of finding a job or making an honest living. These people are criminals. End of.