Thursday, 14 October 2010

Ignorance Is Not Bliss

The emotions we experience throughout our life are often because of something that has happened, for example, a birth or a death, perhaps a milestone or a financial windfall.  But since Amy was diagnosed with autism seven years ago I have experienced many emotions, some due to the ignorance of people around us who make no effort to understand a disability.  This is often because that person has never come into contact with a disabled person, or indeed a person who is different from themselves.  It doesn't matter where we go we are always just a stone's throw away from someone who thinks they have a right to judge.  It is of course human nature to talk about someone and allow our thoughts to stray from those worthy of a mention, but when it comes to people judging my offspring, that is when I really make a stand and show a side of me that ignorant people assume does not exist.  Even though our recent visit to Scotland was relaxing and beautiful, it also highlighted the fact that Amy offers a somewhat alternative approach to our typical way of life.  I have never said she is different because she is Amy.  To me, she is my daughter and I love her more than anything in the world, no matter what she looks like, how she behaves or how incredible she is; I love her unconditionally.

For some people however, I would never wish a disabled child upon for fear of that child being neglected, unloved and most probably made to feel 'different'.  We went in the swimming pool on two occasions; we enjoyed our swim and had fun in the water but it was becoming obvious after about fifteen minutes of being in the pool that we were being carefully watched, observed by a burly female who has obviously never seen a disabled child in a swimming pool before.  Having fun.  I had to tell Amy a few times not to throw her goggles in case she hit another child with them, but she always made sure no one was around her when she played a game of "retrieving goggles from the bottom of the pool".  But still she was watched.  It was clear that most of the people in the pool were members of the private health club belonging to the hotel and they obviously thought they owned the place.  One woman swam with a full mask of makeup on including bright red lipstick.  It was only when Amy almost clobbered her with a float that she actually got her hair wet, and I had to heavily contain myself from laughing out loud. 

She was excited, she was on holiday.  She was enjoying herself, being grown up in the restaurant, using her manners, helping herself to apple juice at breakfast.  I was so proud of her.  I know her better than anyone and I knew there were times that I wished she'd have been a little calmer, especially in the company of others; but it wasn't until that second time in the pool when I realised that it was the 'other people' who were different, and not my Amy.  Their attitude towards her was of ignorance and disbelief, even though some of them had younger children of their own who were loud, brash and splashing about all over the place.  But of course their children don't have a disability.  So they must be perfect.  Well I have news for you ignorant people in the swimming pool, and indeed the ignorant ones who choose to judge; "No child is perfect, but they are all special."

35 comments:

  1. As are you my friend. This is why you have such a wonderful daughter. I only wish I'd be at the same swimming pool because unlike you, I wouldn't have contained my reaction. Stupid cow with the make up. How absurd! What IS wrong with this world? XX

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  2. Well said CJ. I have even seen other parents of children with special needs say that children like my son should not be taken out in public. Well you can't keep them away from society and both we and his school are constantly risk assessing. Although he actually prefers to stay at home he is entitled to fun, as is Amy. Let them think what they want and hold your head up high.
    Cx

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  3. As a mother it is a natural instinct for us to defend....as you should. Your daughter is NOT the problem...the ignorance of the other people around her are the problem and shame on them! Stand proud that you are doing a good job and you can feel very good about yourself and your daughter.

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  4. Make-up?! Swimming?! These people ought to get a real life.

    lol
    Lou

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  5. As the saying goes, never judge anyone until you have walked a mile in their boots... people, alas, are ignorant about other people's lives and try to circumvent that lack by placing their own assumptions into the place of accurate information. It is a very ugly mix. At the end of the day your daughter has parents who love her deeply - that makes every situation win-win.

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  6. Ignore them CJ..ignorant people are such a bore and not worth your time. I have a nephew with Cerebral Palsey and once was asked if he was retarded....RETARDED!!!! I told them no..he is on the school high honor roll, coaches the high school baseball team, is a counselor at camp in the summer and tutors other high schoolers in science and upper level math(all true) AND he plays and writes music! That shut them up real quick.
    Hugs to Amy and bigger hugs to you my friend,
    Janet xox

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  7. The area I live in has made great progress in adjusting and accepting people with disabilities. I am really amazed when I travel to rural areas where people are not as "up to date" on courtesy, I get judge for talking to people who are "different" and even had someone say "Aren't you afraid you might catch it?" like the person had something contagious. I am always amazed that people can be so mean out of ignorance.

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  8. People like that are rarely looking beyond their own tight social circle. What a shame they don't get to embrace the 'real' world.

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  9. What an inspirational post. You are a wonderful mother to Amy, she a fantastic daughter to you. I hope that the boys and I are never like this to anyone at all

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  10. I have learned that ignorant people like this are a dime a dozen. They are not worth our time but there are times I sure would like to shake them. Growing up with my own "special" brother I learned to ignore them. Working in a couple of group homes taught me just how cruel people can be in their ignorance. Very sad. Thankfully your daughter has you! XX

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  11. I have only blown once. This was in a supermarket, when DS was noisily rearranging some items in a freezer and didn't want to move on. One woman stood staring at him, a look of disgust on her face. I retrieved DS, (under protest), turned to the woman and simply said "He's autistic - what' your excuse?" in a VERY loud voice.

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  12. Our Sweets are all special, I agree, and any child is far from perfect. I wish people would remember that they were children once and that they may be parents too.

    Children have to express themselves and if playing fetch the goggles is how they want to be, then so be it. Children Ned to be children in anyway they can for as long as they can, disabled or not.

    Because we give birth to a child, any child, does not make us saints, it makes us a mother. And we will do anything to protect that child and will love that child unconditionally. Maybe that should be the definition of 'mother'. The woman at the pool doesn't know the definition and isn't worth your time of day.

    At least you had a lovely time away with your family and wonderful daughter.

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  13. Posh slapper with a face covered in slap swimming! Now I feel a poem coming on! lol!

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  14. Shame on them! I saw a friend of mine at the pool the other day, splashing away with her son, who has Down's Syndrome, and all I could think was how wonderful they looked together. May you and your daughter have many happy hours of splashing too!

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  15. I think most of us might notice when a child appears to be misbehaving. I learned long ago to always stop and think about what might be going on should I jump to conclusions in my mind. Is this a special needs child? Is Mom just really frazzled and unsure how to cope? Is the child just long past nap time and doing his/her best? There are many more scenarios but the "why?" is not important because you're absolutely right. The problem is with the judgmental attitude, not with the child. I'm sorry you felt such judgment from others about your sweetie. It truly is ignorance and/or inability to consider what's behind a behaviour. However there's NO excuse for makeup in the pool! ;)

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  16. How terribly sad. People can be so nosy and closed minded. I am sorry, I just hope that Amy never notices the 'behavior' of the other people around her.

    Chin up! And don't be afraid to mention to those ignorant people how much Amy has blossomed, even though she struggles with autism! That'll shut them up! :)

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  17. I have been visiting your blog through a link to my mother's blog. As a new mom of 7 months, I totally understand your position! Additionally, I was at one time a grad student for Speech and Language Pathology and have been one-on-one with Autistic children. There IS a great deal of ignorance out there and I applaud your outlook and offer to you there are many out there (even those without children with disabilities) who don't judge. Keep a stiff upper lip, momma! I believe God takes care of all (the good and the ill).

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  18. I've shared this on my facebook page, because I want as many people to read it as I can. Beautifully written, as ever.

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  19. Oh dear..... some of the reactions are not good.
    I was once told off for not correcting my grandson because he darted on to a seat in a train without thinking, when adults were standing.
    The horrible grump pot said that we (my daughter & I) didn't know how to raise children.
    I think it is a bit sad when this happens.
    Maggie X

    Nuts in May

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  20. Lovely post and as you know, I know exactly how you feel......sounds like you handled it really well- our kids have as much right to be out there as anyone else- the lipstick in the pool made me laugh!! My hope is that one day people will be more educated about disability and the death-stares and tutting will stop.

    In the end, thought it's their loss :)

    x

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  21. Ignorance if definitely not bliss, nor is it an excuse to be rude and they very much sound like rude and judgemental people tbh. Ignorance can be excused to some degree, if someone is genuine and interested.

    I did laugh at the mental pic I had of the lady swimming with the dry hair and full make up.

    Jen

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  22. Oh so well written and I can relate to this so well. The rudeness of people when my daughter, an above knee amputee, swims; she tells me that it's their problem not hers.

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  23. I agree, CJ. I can't put my feelings into words but I empathise with exactly what you are saying. Well said! Hxx

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  24. GOodness, I can vouch for the imperfection of all people, starting with myself.
    This was a very interesting post. I don't have much experience with disabled children, however, I never know what approach to take when my children and I are in a situation where we are dealing/interacting with a disabled child and his/her mother. I think it best to come right out and inquire to the parent about the child's condition. I feel that learning is the best way to overscome fears and biases. How do you feel? Are you offended when people inquire or does it make you feel more relaxed in that person's presence?

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  25. Sandra - that is a very good question and I appreciate you asking it. I feel happy when people enquire about Amy (I could talk about her all day!!) but seriously, it shows that the enquirer is interested in knowing more about Amy's condition. This has happened on occasions and we have found that some people, after asking questions, tend to shy away and mingle into the background, never to be seen again. Others, however, are hungry to know more. They are the people I like to talk to.

    Thank you for your comments. CJ xx

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  26. I had the honour of meeting Amy today and she is a delightful and very gifted child. I've already heard her play the piano and I can't wait to read her books.

    There are a lot of people like the painted women where I live too and they are the sad and disabled ones, not your Amy.

    Someone we know went on a cruise in June and came home disgusted because disabled people were allowed to eat with the other people in the main dining rooms.

    She said they should have been hidden away so they didn't stop her enjoying her holiday. The woman who said that is, in my eyes, more disabled than any real mental or physical disability I've ever seen. She has a diseased brain and that is far worse as it is of her own doing.

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  27. They are the ones with a serious problem not your Amy.

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  28. Hello
    There's was a lovely moment on Eastenders (sorry my one guilty pleasure, earlier. Someone asked Billy, in a really down to earth, ordinary way, to talk about his daughter's Down's Syndrome. It really struck me that we all skirt round and avoid talking about disabilty, or asking questions, yet this dialogue was so effortless. I thought it was one of the most simple yet positive representations I have seen on TV for a while.
    I have really enjoyed reading your blog.
    Penny :)

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  29. I've suffered fools All my life because my sister has cerebral palsey...gapeing morons!
    Just smile sweetie...it's Their lesson to learn!
    (((HUG)))

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  30. You'll meet many more people like this in life. The ones that make an effort to understand and except your family on a 'what you see is what you get' are the importatnt ones. Pay the others no heed.

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  31. Well said CJ - every child is special and they are beautiful, especially your own. It is lovely that you and Amy have such fun together. How I would have laughed to see the woman in full make up being splashed, I would have wanted to splash her myself. A x

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  32. Nice blog..
    please visit my blog too ...
    greetings

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  33. I can't understand people who are so precious about things like this. If you don't want to get your hair wet don't go swimming!! You and your daughter stay true to who you are and have fun as I know you will. Red lipstick woman represents the minority - the comments left here prove that.

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  34. Random Woman - I agree, and it's good to see that most of us are on the same wavelength. Lipstick or not!!!

    Thank you for all your comments, appreciated as always.

    CJ xx

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